Post Grad Blues:Gradient

Song of the day: No Idea by Don Toliver

Today, I'm sitting upright in a hotel room in Columbia, South Carolina preparing for a photo and video session to assist my Uncle and Auntie Bracy. I didn't think I'd be here with them-- let alone to return with them for a second round. I left Miami late June and haven't been back (for work) ever since.  I learned a lot about myself while I was there but the most important lesson was that money doesn't matter when you aren't aligned with your purpose. I knew that I loved writing. 

That was a given.

But I didn't like journalism or at least some parts of it. The "copy-paste a story" aspect of it wasn't me. I enjoyed learning the stories of the locals because it made every story I wrote feel genuine. Though my time in Miami was short lived, I had to figure things out. Graduate schools were altering their application process, certain jobs weren't hiring, and my lease in Tallahassee ended on August first. Did I want to come back home?  No.

I made up my mind that I needed to get to D.C. by any means but it felt as though I needed to wait for my breakthrough. Since leaving Miami, it has not been an easy ride. As the civic engagement specialist (and tech support and volunteer aficionado) for the Jacksonville Urban League, my mother's go-to care taker, my siblings' Uber driver, and a scholarship/college readiness consultant, there's never a slow moment until my momentum slows down. 

I've had imposter syndrome moments where it affects my day from start to finish and I can't accomplish everything I set out to do. I read and reflect often but I question my purpose and direction some days when I'm unable to see the end of the yellow brick road. In a few interviews, I "blacked out" and jumbled my thoughts to a point where even I couldn't trace the end point of my thoughts. There were also occasions where I counted myself out from fellowships and job opportunities because I didn't feel up to par on paper even if I could talk my way into the door. As the eldest and trailblazer of my family, I carry a lot on me and didn't think I'd be crushed until I burned out. I took a breather from everything in order to get to the core of my issues then it clicked.

I had to reset. 

College allowed me to have a safety net to figure things out in settings that I could create in order to curate the experience I envisioned. But since things were different now,  it was necessary for me to rethink my approach to everything I knew. So with that, I must say a few things:

Life is meant to turn into the place or space you wanted to avoid. Even if the room is dark, look for the light! If I didn't come back home, I wouldn't be doing the impactful and necessary work I do now with the Jacksonville Urban League. I'm beyond grateful for my mentor of service, Dr. Danford for believing in my work and bringing me into the space that reintegrated me into Jacksonville years before my college days. I'm grateful for my mom for giving me the space to unfold my and rework my dreams to make them work in the grand scheme. But most of all, I must extend my endless gratitude and love to my dear girlfriend, Renelle. She's been my solid rock that never shifts even when things shake up in my world. Her consistent reassurance and concern are what allow to be okay with slowing down and pacing myself. I'm happy to say that I'll be writing for Def Pen because of my brother in rhyme, Ryan Shepard, as a result of him believing in my writing and love for personal narratives. I have some overwhelming work that's in the works and I can't wait to share them with the world. But in the mean time, stay safe and do what you need to do for you! No need for the excuses because they're easy to pass out instead of ship out of your life. Some things just gotta go before you do and that's okay.

Beyond the Lights,

Dwight James III